Dave The Depressed Demilich
The last free member of The Demilich Brotherhood must face his ultimate reckoning: an irresponsibly large mortgage he cannot possibly repay on his own.
This was written for The Literature Portal Collab, which has its own custom interface for navigating and reading over on Newgrounds. It features a whole swath of additional stories by other members of the collab. You can check it out here: https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/1047186
Upon a tyrannical throne of basalt spikes and obsidian skulls sat the desiccated remains of a powerful necromancer. Upon the necromancer’s gold-trimmed, black velvet cloak sat a stubborn layer of dust. The necromancer wasn’t dead, although at this point he probably wished he was. He was a Demilich and his name was Dave.
Ten years ago Dave had taken out an immense mortgage on the comparatively massive twelve-story Gothic citadel that he partly called his own. The Debtomancer laid claim to the rest, on paper anyways. Perhaps not on paper per se, but those details need not concern you for now.
Dave’s mortgage agreement had shackled his soul to the world of the living whether he liked it or not. That mortgage was unfinished business, and he couldn’t die until he felt he was finished with all of his business. This had nothing to do with him being a Demilich. The natural magic of the world is just funny like that. It works because people believe it works, thus making it work.
“You sure that thing’s working?” Cannon Knight nudged the Arcana Counter in Brick Knight’s hands like an annoying brother.
Brick Knight turned a crystalline dial on the stone PMA (Personal Magical Assistant) and pointed it at the cannon that Cannon Knight was using like a skateboard (it had wheels). The device beeped.
“It works.” Brick Knight bluntly retorted. He re-tuned the Arcana Counter and aimed it around again until he heard a low-pitched beep. The two Knights continued down the barren hallway of the desolate castle they had spent the past half hour scrounging through.
“I dunno, something still feels off. Doesn’t this place seem a bit too empty?”
“It’s an abandoned castle.”
“No, the town around it was abandoned. Those buildings were trashed and then some. I mean yeah, it’s dusty in here but there’s nothing else. You’d think monsters would’ve started squatting in here or something.”
“Whatever magic thing is still in here could be repelling them.”
“What, something like a Sapience-Pass Filter? How much is that worth?”
The duo stopped. Brick Knight pulled a dense, leatherbound, gemstone-encrusted shopping catalog out of his backpack and began flipping through it.
“There it is!” Cannon Knight proclaimed, jamming his finger onto a page. Behind their visors, the Knights’ eyes lit up like fireballs of ionized gold.
Dave’s eyelids begrudgingly opened like rusty, misshapen garage doors. His watch was beeping. While it was a magic watch, its aesthetics clashed with the rest of its surroundings like sloppy joes at a royal banquet. It was the same plain bronze watch he had while he was still an apprentice of the dark arts. The case was tarnished and splattered with small nicks and dents. It only remained on his bony wrist because it was far too cheap to be taken by The Debtomancer as collateral.
The watch was still beeping.
With the energy and grace of a drunken sloth, Dave flopped his palm over the watch’s face. This made it shut up. A deluge of silence filled the throne room. Had it been a month already? A glance at his watch confirmed it so. At the end of the day The Debtomancer would arrive to collect another payment; or, as it had been for the last half-decade, some of his stuff. He didn’t have much of that left.
He vacantly gazed across the room. Scant beams of golden light pierced through slivers between blackout curtains. They hurt his eyes. He waved a hand. The curtains let out a small explosion of dust as they sealed the wretched sun out. Now he could finally see.
There wasn’t much to see, even with perfect darkvision. The menacing throneroom was made far less menacing by the distinct lack of implements with which to menace. Slightly shallower squares of dust marked the former footprints of various malicious magical munitions that had long since been repossessed. He even had to part with the giant vat of acid under the floor. The trapdoor had been boarded up for safety reasons. Dave wasn’t about to get hit with an ELSHO (Evil Lair Safety and Health Organization) violation on top of his mortgage.
Could he rid himself of the golem control panel? It wasn’t like he had any golems left. He squinted at the far wall. The panel was gone. Oh, right, that’s what he had given to The Debtomancer last time. His eyes drifted from the corner to the center of the wall.
The magic mirror was still there. He used to use it to talk to his fellow Demiliches, but those days were long gone. Over the years his undead brothers had all been vanquished by various heroes, save for one. Garry was still alive but he got busted for tax evasion seven months ago and would be in royal prison for at least two more decades. If the mirror couldn’t cover this month’s payment there was always THE ORB.
THE ORB towered over Dave’s throne on a large basalt pillar. Not only did it repel those of weak mind (this stopped the rats from getting in) but it could also be charged by Dave’s own magic to unleash a deathly blast of energy, powerful enough to annihilate the souls of adventurers in an instant – provided he kept them busy while it fueled up.
Dave sighed as a wave of nostalgia washed over him and pulled him into the ocean of memories past. He missed when he got adventurers. He hadn’t seen any in years. Maybe it truly was time to give up on his dreams of villainy and get a “real job” like his brother – as in his actual blood-relative brother, not a member of the now-just-two-member Demilich Brotherhood – had constantly chastised him about. His brother was a consultant for a legal firm that specialized in time paradox resolution. He worked in a marble tower full of cubicles in the capital. Dave reflexively gagged as he imagined having to exist in an office.
Well, it was either something like that or continue to waste away in the citadel by himself. Instead of making a decision, Dave decided he’d rather stare blankly at the wall and try to stop thinking. Maybe if he was lucky some hapless adventurers would burst through the door and he’d have some new magic items to pawn off for once.
Like that was ever gonna happen.
The Debtomancer was one bad day away from quitting. Having to deal with adventurers and Mages daily was one thing. Having to deal with their finances was another, much, much worse thing. It seemed like nobody in those lines of work knew the first thing about fiscal responsibility, except maybe Economic Mages and Wizards. But they all worked for The Economancer, as did he. The Economancer did not take kindly to fiscal irresponsibility. Merely witnessing him cast Power Word: Audit on some poor soul was enough to scare you into straightening out your financial situation.
As the only Wizard working in the Loans Division (The Repomancer retired last year and there had yet to be a replacement), The Debtomancer was personally responsible for collateralizing and repossessing magic items. Lesser Economic Mages were not nearly powerful enough to handle some of the more dangerous situations The Debtomancer often found himself in.
Just last week he had to take a microplastic golem from a Hazmat Mage in a castle full of noxious gasses. Another time it was a Bag of Endless Rubber Chickens from Clown Knight, who put up a hell of a fight. Yesterday it was an experimental Staff that could turn inanimate objects into kitchen countertops (and back) that the mad artificer had dubbed Counter Spell. There were also vast swaths of less interesting things like enchanted swords, rings, and amulets.
Sure, they were valuable on paper – and according to The Endless Catalog of Magicks – but they just didn’t sell very often. The weird stuff even less so. The Debtomancer was quickly running out of space. He was running out of patience exponentially faster.
He had three more clients to see before he could clock out for the day. The Debtomancer straightened out his tie, put on his hat, and grabbed his briefcase. It was time to get this over with.
The Debtomancer stepped into an ornate brass booth and locked the door behind him. Outside, the text above the door went from “OPEN” to “IN-USE.” He consulted an emerald tablet, punched some coordinates into an onyx keypad, and then grabbed an engraved stone disc from the wall. With all that sorted out, he pressed a large topaz button and promptly vanished.
The doors to Dave’s throne room burst open and two hapless adventurers sauntered in. They were both Knights. That meant he’d get at least two powerful Relics off of them. Every Knight has at least one Relic; that’s just how it works. Dave could feel his net worth going up already.
One Knight was tall and bulky. His armor was fashioned out of... bricks. His helmet looked like a gargoyle’s face, made of smaller bricks. This Knight was carrying an Arcana Counter and had some kind of magical rectangle in a holster. Dave assumed it was a Brick++ (++ is a common enchantment that makes things hit harder). The Arcana Counter alone could probably cover his mortgage payment for the month.
The other Knight was shorter (by comparison) and thinner (also by comparison). He was dressed like a circus acrobat dressed like a town guardsman. His helmet was oddly smooth and round and had a large stripe going down the center with stars on it. The cannon he was skateboarding on was obviously magical. It was hard to ignore the spotlight that shone on it from nowhere. The combined magical inventory of these interlopers would surely keep The Debtomancer off of his back for several months more.
Dave could feel the un-life returning to his soul. This was it! This is what he was put on this world for! Evil! He almost let out a villainous cackle but caught himself. He didn’t want to ruin the first encounter he’d had in years. The theatrics were half of the fun, after all. Luckily for him, the Knights seemed preoccupied and had yet to notice him. Dave just had to wait for the right opportunity to strike...
Brick Knight waved the Arcana Counter around the room while Cannon Knight followed along with keen eyes. The duo scanned the room starting from the far wall. The Arcana Counter let out a soft beep when it was pointed at the magic mirror, but this wasn’t what they were looking for. At last, the Knights were looking at THE ORB. The Arcana Counter beeped loudly. Everyone in the room simultaneously thought the exact same thing:
“Jackpot.”
The room was emblazoned with swirling purple lights as Dave’s eye sockets and THE ORB lit up.
“FOOLISH KNIGHTS! YOU DARE STEP FOOT INTO THE INNER SANCTUM OF DAVNARR THE DESTROYER?” Dave (short for Davnarr The Destroyer) bellowed with an otherworldly volume, “YOU NOW STAND BEFORE THE MOST POWERFUL MEMBER OF THE DEMILICH BROTHERHOOD!” This statement was technically correct as Garry (Garthrash, Gorefiend of Greed) had to forfeit all of his magical belongings when he got arrested.
The Knights jumped and at last looked down from THE ORB to the undead Mage that sat below it. Reflexively, Cannon Knight looked to the doors. As if on cue, Dave waved a hand and they slammed shut. An array of purple hexagons formed in front of it. For the first time in years, Dave smiled. This was his favorite part.
“COWER BEFORE DAVNARR THE DESTROYER!” Behind him, THE ORB began glowing brighter. This not only served as a way to further intimidate his victims by showing off his awesome power, but it also gave Dave a really cool rimlight, which he could see reflected in the magic mirror. He was glad he still had it.
Brick Knight’s Arcana Counter began beeping aggressively. He turned to Cannon Knight.
“We gotta break it.”
“But think of the money!”
“Do you want to get out of here alive?”
“Ugh, fiiiine.”
Dave didn’t hear them. He was in the zone. He had forgotten how much fun it was to be in the zone. It didn’t matter what those stupid Knights were talking about. They weren’t going to be there in a few seconds, and he was finally going to make some sweet, sweet revenue.
“PREPARE TO FACE YOUR ULTIMATE DOOM! WITH THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF THE ORB YOU SHALL—”
BANG!!!
CRASH!!
The room was suddenly much less purple. Dave looked down at the Knight. His cannon was smoldering and there was an Arcana Counter on the floor next to him.
Wait, weren’t there two of them? Dave slowly turned around to make sure THE ORB was still there.
It indeed was, but now large cracks exploded out from a brick that definitely wasn’t supposed to be there. The other Knight also wasn’t supposed to be there either, but there he was, standing on the pillar next to THE ORB holding the brick. THE ORB collapsed into a pile of rubble.
THE ORB was no more.
“WHAT?! HOW?!”
“I bricked it.”
“THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE! NO MORTAL WEAPON CAN HARM THE ORB!”
“Yeah, but this is a Relic.” Brick Knight dusted off his trusty brick and holstered it like a pistol. “It bricks magic stuff.”
Dave stared at the Knight dumbfounded. Never in all his years as a Demilich had he seen such brazen disrespect for the dark arts, especially the kind of disrespect that could actually fight back. Yet it had just happened, and there really wasn’t anything he could do about it. He had to think of some way to turn this around.
“Grab that mirror, we’re getting outta here.” Brick Knight shouted across the room as he slid down the pillar. Cannon Knight nodded and started towards the only valuable thing left in the room that didn’t already belong to them.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? YOU CANNOT STEAL FROM DAVNARR THE DESTROYER!”
“Dude, you just tried to kill us.” Cannon Knight didn’t even bother to look at Dave as he said this. “We’re taking your mirror as compensation.”
“TRIED TO KILL YOU? I HAVEN’T EVEN FINISHED, FOOL! I STILL HAVE ONE MORE MAGIC ITEM UP MY SLEEVE!”
“What? Your... watch?” Brick Knight had picked up his Arcana Counter and was pointing it at Dave. It was aimed directly at where his watch was under his cloak and beeped faintly.
“YES, MY... UH, CHRONOGRAPH OF DISPLACEMENT! WITH IT I SHALL RIP YOU FROM THE TIMESTREAM AND—”
“Oh hey, I’ve got that same model.” Cannon Knight, walking back with Dave’s mirror under his arm, rolled up his sleeve and showed off what was indeed the exact same make and model of bronze magic watch, only Cannon Knight’s was in slightly better condition.
“Does it actually do that? I’ve messed with the settings a ton and I’ve never seen that feature in there.” Both Knights snickered as they watched the gears tick in Dave’s head.
“O-OF COURSE IT DOES THAT! BUT ONLY I CAN USE IT BECAUSE OF... MY STATUS AS A DEMILICH! YES, THE WATCH ONLY RECOGNIZES REAL MAGICAL TALENT AND REWARDS ITS USER WITH UNFATHOMABLE CONTROL OVER THE VERY FLOW OF TIME ITSELF!”
The Knights were ignoring him. They were leaving. With his mirror, no less. The hexagons were hexa-gone so there was nothing to impede their egress. They weren’t buying his act. Dave didn’t buy it either. Without THE ORB, he had no conduit by which to use his magic.
There was one last thing he could try. It was a long-shot for sure, but he didn’t have anything else to lose at this point.
“HEY, WAIT! I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND EVEN MORE MAGICAL ARTIFACTS!”
The Knights stopped dead in their tracks and immediately turned around.
Brick Knight looked at Dave dead in the eye. “Where?”
“THE LAIR OF THE FOUL DEBTOMANCER HOLDS THE STOLEN TREASURES OF COUNTLESS MAGES AND ADVENTURERS!”
“Oh, sweet, we’ll go there next. Thanks man,” Cannon Knight said with a wave, resuming his exit.
“I WILL NEED TO ACCOMPANY YOU ON THIS QUEST!”
“Why?” Brick Knight asked, mildly puzzled and increasingly annoyed.
“A MASTER OF THE ARCANE IS REQUIRED TO UNTANGLE THE MYSTIC SYSTEM THE DEBTOMANCER USES TO KEEP THE WONDROUS ITEMS SEALED AWAY. BREAKING THE SYSTEM WILL ONLY RESULT IN THEIR DESTRUCTION.” Dave cleared his throat. “HE, UH, ALSO HAS ALL OF MY STUFF.”
The Knights looked at each other, glanced around at the empty castle interior, and then back to Dave.
“IF WE CAN CLAIM THE DEBTOMANCER’S ILL-GOTTEN GAINS FOR OURSELVES, YOU MAY LEAVE WITH WHATEVER TREASURES YOU CAN CARRY.”
“We’re in.” Both Knights blurted out in unison.
Deep within The Roots of The Earth, Glithor The Chosen One marched tirelessly through The Catacombs of The Seal. In one hand he held a torch aloft. In the other was Magnificus, Blade of Heroes, a legendary artifact that could only be wielded by worthy warriors of pure heart. Glithor had discovered Magnificus buried in an ancient desert temple. The sword could speak, and it had tasked him with destroying the death cult that threatened to open The Seal and unleash The Titans of The First Age upon the world once more.
Glithor reached the end of a decrepit hallway of antediluvian brickwork and peered around the corner. He had finally made it to The Altar of The Seal. The cult had beaten him to it. On the ancient stone floor a circle of blood surrounded a massive pile of Elemental Gems. They glistened in the torchlight of the hooded figures as they chanted in The Infernal Tongue.
Suddenly a middle-aged man appeared behind Glithor. He was wearing a suit and tie and also had what was unmistakably a Wizard’s hat and beard. In his hand was a briefcase that had a large gemstone embedded in its side.
“Hi, Mister Glithor, sir. This is the fifth time I’ve had to teleport to you about your loan.” The Debtomancer monotonously recounted. “You do have this month’s payment, right?”
“Oh, Great Debtomancer, allow me another extension, I beseech you! I am but moments from completing my quest!”
“Look, you’ve had three extensions already and I can’t offer you any more. I’m sorry, but if you don’t have the gold for it, I’ll have to repossess something.”
“Surely the fate of the world is worth more than the mere pittance I had borrowed!”
“I don’t make the rules; I just work for The Economancer.”
Glithor’s expression sank like an anchor. He had seen the horrors of Power Word: Audit firsthand when his former master was forced into bankruptcy.
“The Economancer is truly a force to be reckoned with. I dare not incur his wrath. So be it. Take what you must, Debtomancer.”
The Debtomancer held up his briefcase. A light shone from its crystal onto Glithor. In a flash of light, Magnificus was gone. So was The Debtomancer.
That was the seventh chosen one he had to deal with this week – and it was only Tuesday. It was draining him like a legion of leeches; the hero speeches, the moral dilemmas, and most importantly, trying to figure out who would want to buy weapons that only a fraction of the population could actually use. Does buying — or even just using — a magic sword that was repossessed from another hero void your pure-hearted status? The Debtomancer didn’t have time to think about that. He had another job to do.
Just two more, then he could go home.
Dave, now dusted off and wearing a slightly bent pair of sunglasses, was on the citadel’s secret balcony with Brick Knight and Cannon Knight. He used to hold the tri-annual Demilich Brotherhood barbeque here. The Demiliches didn’t need to eat or drink, but they could if they wanted to. The pool hadn’t been filled in a long time and the enchanted grill had been collateralized five years ago, just after he had to let go of all his minions. Dave had hired union monsters (Garry told him it was a bad idea) and their severances cost him a significant chunk of what little gold he had left. At the very least the seating arrangements were still there.
Dave’s (or was it the Knights’?) magic mirror was lying flat on a wooden table. Everyone was sitting around it looking at a map of the region. After consulting a pocket-sized enchanted weathervane that told him about the local forecast, Cannon Knight scribbled some equations on the side to calculate the best trajectory from the balcony to The Debtomancer’s so-called ‘STRONGHOLD OF ECONOMIC HORRORS.’
“So this’ll get us over there.” Cannon Knight explained as he traced a path on the mirror with his finger. A bright red line appeared on the map following it. “Brick Knight’s got the way in.”
Brick Knight produced three hardhats and three fluorescent green vests from his backpack and set them on the table next to the mirror.
“HOW ARE THOSE SUPPOSED TO HELP?”
“We’ll be hiding in plain sight. Everyone is gonna think we’re just there to do maintenance or something,” Cannon Knight explained with a smirk.
“DOES IT WORK?”
“Every time,” Brick Knight chimed in.
“We would’ve worn them in here but when we saw the whole town was abandoned we didn’t bother. Didn’t want to risk them getting damaged by a trap or something.”
“They’re not cheap. You’re lucky we have spares.”
“But yeah, nah, we used these to get into The Mausoleum of Meterkhamon The Measuremaster last week.”
Brick Knight pointed at something. “That’s where we got this thing.”
Meterkhamon The Measuremaster, an ancient mummy of ages long past, had recently taken out a loan to finance the construction of a massive telescope he could use to chart the stars more accurately. He was pleasantly surprised when a couple of Knights from the telescope company had shown up to put it together for him free of charge a week ago. That’s what being a loyal customer for two and a half centuries gets you.
Normally Meterkhamon could pay off these kinds of loans with the research grants he would get from local universities. As was expected, The Measuremaster possessed immensely powerful tools that could measure things far better than any other Data Mage in the tri-state area (he was constantly feuding with The Inchquisitors of Imperios several counties over). He was paid handsomely to let scholars from across the lands utilize his equipment.
It was coming up on the start of a new semester but Meterkhamon still hadn’t seen a single check in the mail. The professors were probably on strike again for one reason or another. That wouldn’t be an issue most other school years, but he had burned through most of his personal savings paying off the telescope loan and he needed to keep some gold on hand for an appointment he had with The Chiropractomancer next month. Luckily he had some old equipment lying around he could pledge as collateral.
The Debtomancer rang the doorbell to The Mausoleum. Meterkhamon was actually quite reasonable — especially for a Mage — so he felt like he should be polite in return and not just teleport into his lab.
There was no response. Maybe he was busy? The scholarly types did tend to get lost in their research.
He rang the doorbell again.
There was a loud crash from inside. Was Meterkhamon being robbed? In broad daylight? This was supposed to be a nice burial ground!
The Debtomancer was getting ready to teleport inside and see what the commotion was all about when a panicked mummy flung the door open.
“I-I can’t find it!”
“Can’t find what?”
“My old Arcana Counter! I swear I had it under the stairs. I was going to use it to cover this month’s payment but I just can’t seem to locate the blasted thing!!”
Dave was soaring through the air like an ICMM (Intercontinental Magic Missile). Brick Knight was a stone’s throw ahead of him holding a Scroll. He looked over his shoulder and saw Cannon Knight, who had somehow convinced him to be blasted out of a magic cannon, trailing a similar distance behind him. Cannon Knight gave him a thumbs up.
“Alright, form up for landing!” Cannon Knight shouted as wind whipped past the trio.
“Forming up!” Replied Brick Knight.
“FORMING UP!” Dave additionally responded.
As they started to lose altitude, the Knights adjusted their postures so that they became level with Dave and began to move closer to him. Dave was new to all of this so he didn’t have to perform any special acrobatics. He still needed to follow procedure and echo Cannon Knight’s commands for safety reasons.
The nondescript green fuzz below them was quickly resolving into what was unmistakably a tree line. Brick Knight activated his Scroll. It flew a few feet below them and exploded out into a large, fluffy cloud.
“All good to land?”
“All good!”
“ALL GOOD!”
Everyone got into a running stance as they landed on the cloud. The cloud slowed their descent to the ground, but didn’t stop them entirely. As they passed through a clearing in the trees the trio had to start walking forwards to keep themselves upright. Dave didn’t. He fell on his face.
After donning their disguises, it was a ten minute walk from the landing zone to their destination.
“STEEL YOURSELVES KNIGHTS, FOR WHAT LOOMS BEFORE US IS ASSUREDLY THE ABSOLUTE EPICENTER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL.”
Cannon Knight stared blankly at the structure. “Dude, that looks like an office building.”
The trio was looking at a cobblestone office building. It had a thatched roof and barred windows. They could have easily walked straight in had it not been for the oppressively large parking lot that was rather rudely in their way.
Brick Knight turned towards the others. “Okay, act natural.”
They passed by a whole smorgasbord of transport methods. There were horse-drawn carriages, horses, a few of those new fangled horseless combustion carriages, a moss-covered boulder, a clockwork mechsuit, several tricked-out brooms, a handful of wyverns, a dire duck, another dire duck, and a dire goose.
Towards the front were the executive parking spots, indicated so by the signs posted behind them that designated them as such. This is where the unicorns were parked, most of them red or some other bright color. Each of their saddles had a silken upholstered racing seat with walls, windows, and a roof. Many additionally had large, entirely decorative wings bolted to the seating enclosures, some with racing stripes, others with flames. The unicorns were all smoking cigars and eating caviar from a marble trough.
Several feet from the front entrance was a line of teleportation booths. A majority of them read “IN USE” above their locked doors. Cannon Knight nudged the others and motioned to the booths with his head. Dave gave a thumbs up and Brick Knight nodded. At last they entered the building through large, magical double doors that slid open as they approached.
“You do have a couple options. We can extend this month’s repayment or we can refinance the entire loan. Either way will involve additional fees. It’s up to you.”
Meterkhamon and The Debtomancer were sitting in The Measuremaster’s dining room with a spread of documents on the table.
The Measuremaster sat in contemplation for a moment.
“I’ve no idea when the strike will end, so refinancing sounds like the better option.”
The Debtomancer nodded and fished around in his briefcase.
“Huh, must have run out of forms. You mind heading over to my office to get this sorted out?”
“Not at all.”
The Debtomancer procured the same engraved stone he had taken from the teleportation booth earlier and waved it around in a circular pattern. A moment after the invisible circle was drawn in the air, the stone began to glow slightly. Through the unseen shape that floated in space, the interior of the teleportation booth could suddenly be seen, its now-ajar door further showing the world just outside. The edges of the portal shimmered with the coalesced light from both locations bending around it, creating odd reflections and refractions from both places depending on how you looked at it.
The Wizard motioned towards the tear in reality.
The lobby of the building was of varnished wooden floors and recently polished cobblestone walls. Leather couches bordered short tables, some of which were occupied by conductors of business and their clientele. A series of shrubberies dotted the walls, each in their own earthen pots decorated with the logos of the companies that resided within the structure.
Across from the entrance was a large desk with a receptionist seated behind it. She paid the trio of false repairmen no mind for she had busied herself in conversation with a rather confused skeleton who had been attempting to deliver a parcel to an employee of a firm that no longer persisted within the bounds of the corporate realm.
Dave led the two Knights towards a plain door near the back of the lobby. As he opened it, so did the main entrance. A familiar set of eyes found themselves gazing upon Brick Knight and Cannon Knight.
Meterkhamon squinted at the Knights as he entered the lobby. He stopped and scratched his bandaged head.
“Those Knights over there look awfully familiar…”
“Which Knights?”
The Measuremaster pointed towards the maintenance door in the far corner of the room.
The Debtomancer’s sharp gaze fell upon what seemed to just be regular repairmen.
Dave felt daggers sink into his back as he sensed the sudden presence of a powerful Wizard of Economic magics. He knew exactly who this was. A thousand thoughts flooded his mind as undeadaline (adrenaline for the undead) coursed through the dark magic that animated him. How could The Debtomancer have arrived at this very moment? Were those Knights working for him? Or maybe they were with the royal guard? Could they be setting him up for an arrest, much like what had been done to Garry? He hadn’t time to think further. He was too close to give up now.
Before either Knight could follow him into the hallway, Dave shut the door in their faces, locked it, and bolted down the hallway.
The Knights looked at each other and then back at the door.
“...yeah I don’t recognize either of them. Probably just some contractors here to fix something.”
“I think there was a third one with them who just closed the door on the others.”
“That’s… odd.”
The Debtomancer and Meterkhamon moved a bit further into the lobby, intrigued by this suspicious scene. The duo wanted to get a better look while also not appearing to obviously gawk at them, for that could be seen as strange by the sacred laws of the social order.
They placed themselves upon the seating arrangements of the lobby such that they should hopefully be seen as simply talking or maybe even waiting for someone.
Many novice adventurers might be forced into a panic by this kind of seemingly sudden betrayal. Cannon Knight and Brick Knight each had five to seven years’ experience in this line of work, so they were only mildly perturbed. The one thing they knew not to do was make a scene. They had to keep up appearances somehow. Cannon Knight checked the door handle as if he were opening the door normally.
“Well, looks like the lock works. Let’s check if the security system can do its thing, eh?” Cannon Knight nudged Brick Knight.
Brick Knight nodded and unholstered his Relic.
Cannon Knight grabbed a small pouch of even smaller cannonballs and carefully rolled them into the keyhole. By imagining each miniscule spring inside of the lock as a tiny, spring-powered cannon, he was able to load them, systematically forcing the springs back in an effort to pick the lock. It was a strenuous endeavour to move multiple small parts that could not be seen, but he eventually felt the door click open. The alarm sounded off just a moment afterwards.
Brick Knight calmly opened the door and went inside. He quickly recognized a metal box on the wall nearby as it was engraved with the name of a company that seemed to make the security systems for every dungeon in the tri-state area. He had dealt with these contraptions countless times before. With surgical precision, he used one of the corners of his magic brick to slice the box in two. The alarm stopped. He leaned out of the door and gave Cannon Knight a thumbs-up.
“Security works on this door. Just a few more to go and we’re done here,” Cannon Knight grunted with a tone that suggested he had done this a thousand times before and was well past the point of getting sick of it.
Cannon Knight, understanding where the improv bit was going, begrudgingly got up and meandered his way into the hallway.
“Oh, they were just testing the alarm,” Meterkhamon surmised, “I’ve seen this happen in some campus libraries where they keep the forbidden tomes.”
“That makes sense.”
The Debtomancer had vague recollections of similar tests occurring in this building, but he was usually notified in advance. Then again, there were a few times where he had not been. No matter. He had more important things to worry about.
“Anyways, it’s this way to my office.”
Dave sprinted down the hallway like his un-life depended on it. In his haste he hadn’t noticed that the security orbs that would typically watch these spaces were all off and that the doors were all unlocked. He mindlessly flew through the labyrinthine basement hunting for the vast source of Data magic that dwelt within the depths of the loan lord’s lair.
At last, he finally reached the grand thinking machine that served as the brains of the blasted lending operation. Rows upon rows of massive emerald tablets hummed with energy as glowing runes scurried about upon their surfaces, oftentimes entering various tubes that connected them to each other and to unknown locations deep within the office complex.
Dave had to work his magic fast. He snatched up one of several smaller tablets that acted as controllers for the larger variety. For his first trick, Dave had to free himself from the shackles of his debt. He could have simply dumped the entirety of what remained of his mortgage into a single account of some poor soul, but that would be too obvious. He wanted to try and maintain some subtlety until it was time for his grand finale.
He commanded the magical machine to distribute his own debts among the entire catalog of those who also owed money to The Debtomancer. Surely it would be perceived as but a rounding error. At last, the citadel was now entirely his. Dave’s next trick would require a bit more finesse and, much to his chagrin, just a bit more time.
A large warehouse behind the office building contained all of the unsold magic items that had been taken by The Debtomancer. Dave had to make sure a few things were still there for his plan to work. Dave’s manic expression metamorphosized into a smirk. It had all that he required and then some.
He grabbed another control tablet and attempted a remote SSH (Secure Sending Hex) connection to his golem control panel that was currently rotting in storage. But not for long…
The Debtomancer had Meterkhamon’s balance pulled up on an emerald tablet. He had just finished his explanation of refinancing The Measuremaster’s loan. Meterkhamon had been nodding along to his spiel understandingly when his expression suddenly changed to one of scrutiny as his eyes were transfixed upon the tablet.
“Wait, why did my debt go up all of a sudden?”
The Debtomancer looked down at the balance.
“It did?”
“Yes, by just a couple cents.”
The Wizard tapped his finger on the tablet and its symbols shifted to display Meterkhamon’s statement sheet. There indeed had just been an increase as The Measuremaster proclaimed. It was labeled interest, but something looked off.
“That’s weird. The interest rate isn’t that low… and it shouldn’t be kicking in until later this month.”
The two exchanged concerned looks.
“Wait, you don’t think–”
Before Meterkhamon could finish, The Debtomancer had already bolted out of his office.
As Brick Knight and Cannon Knight were speedwalking down the hallway, some kind of large creature moving at a speed most ludicrous pushed past them.
“Hey, watch where you’re–”
The unknown entity whipped around from down the hall. It was finally visible. It was now also recognizable.
“FOOLS! NO ONE DOUBLE-CROSSES DAVNARR THE DESTROYER! THE DEBTOMANCER’S TREASURES ARE ALL MINE!”
Dave struck a dramatic pose as the Knights looked at him dumbfounded. Just before they realized what was going on, he resumed his mad dash for the exit, cackling maniacally. The Knights sprinted after him.
The Debtomancer, inexorably winded from running down seven flights of stairs, witnessed Dave, sporting an untraditional hard hat and hi-vis vest, run out of the maintenance access door laughing like a madman.
“Dave!? What are you–”
An explosion rang out, emanating from the door Dave had just fled from.
The Knights had just barely reached the door when they saw Dave halfway across the lobby. Cannon Knight grabbed the door, aimed, and – with a snap of his fingers – fired. A cluster of tiny cannonballs exploded out from the lock and hit Dave in the leg. He fell to the ground with a thud.
The denizens of the lobby screamed and ducked away however they could. The Debtomancer watched on from the staircase at his wit’s end. Dave lurched to his feet and turned around to face his former allies.
“OH, YOU THINK THIS CAN STOP THE ALL-POWERFUL DAVNARR THE DESTROYER? SUCH COMMON WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME! AND NOTHING SHALL EVER STOP ME AGAIN ONCE I EXTRICATE MYSELF OF THIS ESTATE OF ECONOMIC IMPRISONMENT!”
Something began aggressively beeping in Brick Knight’s backpack. He grabbed his Arcana Counter and looked at the reading.
“That’s not good.”
Cannon Knight looked over at the device and immediately wished he hadn’t. There was a lot of magic approaching them very quickly.
“Hey! That’s mine!” Shouted Meterkhamon from the top of the stairs, “Give it back, thieves!”
“Huh?” The Debtomancer was shaken from his stupor by The Measuremaster’s sudden addition to the scene.
“That’s my Arcana Counter! And those Knights were in my lab last week! That’s where it went – they stole it!”
“HEY, EVIL MASTERMIND OVER HERE! STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THOSE TRAITOROUS IMBECILES AND BASK IN THE GLORY OF DAVNARR!”
The Measuremaster didn’t listen and began running towards the Knights.
A legion of golems armed to the teeth with all manner of magical munitions smashed through the glass front doors. The Measuremaster ignored the imminent danger and continued the pursuit of his pilfered property.
“BUT BEFORE I TAKE MY LEAVE I MUST DEAL WITH THESE DASTARDLY DECEIVERS!”
Dave pointed a finger at the Knights. A volley of fireballs flew towards them from the army of clay constructs.
Brick Knight tossed the Arcana Counter to the side. Meterkhamon jumped after it. By moving his arms, Brick Knight caused a chunk of the cobblestone brickwork in the nearby wall to form a makeshift shield in front of himself and his brother in arms.
The fireballs exploded against the newly constructed barrier, deconstructing it just as quickly as it had been put up.
As the smoke cleared, Brick Knight and Cannon Knight – only mildly scuffed up by the explosion – chased after the still-cackling Dave as he made his escape from the office and into the teleportation booths.
The Knights were too late. Dave had just run through the available booths with all of his loot-carrying golems, save for one holding a comically large beaker full of a bright green liquid. The remaining golem, made of microplastics, smashed the beaker above its head, causing the fluid to spill out onto all the booths and itself. They melted into a rancid, hissing puddle of sludge that continued to eat into the earth below.
Cannon Knight looked out into the distance for a moment and snapped his fingers. His magic cannon appeared in front of him, aimed in the general direction from which they had flown in.
Without any hesitation, Brick Knight leaped into the cannon and was shot out. Cannon Knight quickly followed suit, snapping his fingers midair. The cannon vanished.
The Debtomancer trudged out from what was little was left of the front door. He blankly observed the wreckage.
Meterkhamon soon appeared behind him, Arcana Counter in hand.
“I finally got it! Now I can make this month’s payment!”
The Debtomancer did not respond.
“Um, aren’t you going to…?”
“Nah, screw this. I quit.”